Hate Mail
by LiteraryLullaby
Summary: If you were a planet, you’d be Pluto, because it’s a fake. SxC


I hate this. I really, really hate this story. Yet I really like it, too. It was written in a matter of about thirty minutes.

So, basically Chad sends Sonny a letter, she sends him one back, and it becomes a habit. The end. :D

Disclaimer: Hmm, has Chad Dylan Cooper ever turned towards the camera and professed his love for me? Then I don't own SWAC.

* * *

**Hate Mail**

Sonny,

I hate you.

Sincerely,

Chad Dylan Cooper

-

Chad,

I hate you, too.

From,

Sonny

-

Sonny,

I hate you more than you hate me.

Sincerely,

CDC

-

Chad,

CDC is a stupid name. And I hate you more than you can even fathom.

From,

Sonny

-

Sonny,

Sonny is a stupider name. And I hate you so much that if hatred was money, I'd be the richest man on earth.

Sincerely,

CDC

-

Chad,

Sonny is an awesome name. It fits my personality. And if hatred was light, I'd be brighter than the sun.

From,

Sonny

-

Sonny,

You already are brighter than the sun. Sonny is a dumb name. So yes, it does fit your dumb personality. And if hatred was water, I'd be the Pacific Ocean.

Sincerely,

CDC

-

Chad,

At least Sonny isn't as dumb of a name as CDC. If stupidity was a telescope, your name would be the Hubble.

From,

Sonny

P.S. If hatred was a dinosaur, I'd be a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

-

Sonny,

If stupidity was a word, your name would be 'antidisestablishmentarianism,' because it's the longest in the dictionary.

Sincerely,

Chad

-

Chad,

Stupidity is a word, you idiot. If you were a phobia, you'd be phobiaphobia, because it's the most irrational.

From,

Sonny

-

Sonny,

Phobiaphobia isn't the most irrational, you imbecile. Arachibutyrophobia is. Get your facts right. And if you were a color, you'd be orange, because orange is the tackiest color.

Sincerely,

Chad

-

Chad,

You know that orange is my favorite color, you jerk. And being afraid of phobias is totally more irrational than being afraid of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. If you were a singer, you'd be Hannah Montana, because no one likes her.

From,

Sonny

-

Sonny,

Shut up. You know I asked Hannah Montana out two weeks ago. Though she did reject me by throwing a pie in my face. But you pushed me into a cake once, so don't even think about commenting on that one. If you were a sport, you'd be podex, because it's the least famous.

Sincerely,

Chad

-

Chad,

I didn't push you into a cake. I caused a domino reaction that caused your giant face to push you into a cake. That's your fault for having an enormous cutout of your face at your party, though. And Hannah Montana is a weirdo, so don't let it bother you. If you were a constellation, you'd be the Big Dipper, because everyone's seen it so much they don't care anymore.

From,

Sonny

-

Sonny,

Don't worry, it didn't bother me. The pie is the only thing that made me angry. Thanks for trying, though. And I can't help it if my face is so beautiful that a cardboard cutout of it is required at my party. If you were an awards show, you'd be the MTV Movie Awards, because they try to be funny but fail.

Sincerely,

Chad

-

Chad,

I agree, those awards were really bad this year. But I resent you comparing me to them. And trust me; the cardboard cutout was not necessary. If you were a planet, you'd be Pluto, because it's a fake.

From,

Sonny

-

Sonny,

Ok, I'll admit that you're funnier than the MTV Movie Awards. And are you trying to call me ugly? If you were a day of the week, you'd be Mondays, because they automatically make everything worse.

Sincerely,

Chad

-

Chad,

Of course I'm not trying to call you ugly. It's physically impossible for me to call you ugly. I'd have fifty fangirls rip out my larynx before I even finished the word. And Mondays can be fun, Chad. If you were a subject in school, you'd be math, because you make people fall asleep.

From,

Sonny

-

Sonny,

Oh, and for a second there I thought you were going to compliment me. And I wouldn't let the fangirls rip out your larynx. They do as I tell them to. And Mondays are never fun, Sonny. If you were a time period, you'd be the Dark Ages, because no one cared to write anything down about them.

Sincerely,

Chad

-

Chad,

Was that in reference to the fact that there was nothing about So Random! in the last article of Tween Weekly? I hope you know that the whole issue was dedicated to Mackenzie Falls. Oh, and it's funny that you would think I would actually compliment you. If you were a candy, you'd be Sweet Tarts, because you look sweet but you're really tart.

From,

Sonny

-

Sonny,

Has So Random! ever gotten an issue of Tween Weekly dedicated to them? I didn't think so. And when you say that I look sweet, are you saying you think I'm hot? If you were a disease, you'd be cancer, because every time people think they've gotten rid of you, you come back again.

Sincerely,

Chad

P.S. I heard you were dating that Mark kid. His leather jacket looks cheap.

-

Chad,

Why are we sending each other letters? We could easily be texting or something. And no, I'm not saying that you're hot. I was referring to how America thinks that you're nice, when in reality you're not. If you were a holiday, you'd be Halloween, because everyone around you wears a mask.

From,

Sonny

P.S. Who I'm dating is none of your business.

-

Sonny,

Writing letters is way more fun. And you were totally saying I was hot. Oh, and that last insult wasn't really an insult towards me. If you were a movie, you'd be High School Musical, because everyone liked it until it got old.

Sincerely,

Chad

-

Chad,

Tawni just said the funniest thing. She said you and I were sending "love letters" to each other. As if these are love letters, right? And I wasn't necessarily insulting you, more insulting your friends. Oh, and are you calling me old? Because you're a year older than me. If you were a reality show, you'd be Celebrity Circus, because no one cares about it.

From,

Sonny

P.S. I still like High School Musical, for your information.

-

Sonny,

Hah, Tawny would say that, wouldn't she? These are totally not love letters. Even if I was sending love letters, they most certainly wouldn't be for you. And I wasn't calling you old, I was saying that people are getting bored with you. If you were an addiction, you'd be cigarette, because people know that you're really bad for them, but they can't seem to quit talking—I mean smoking you.

Sincerely,

Chad

P.S. You would be a part of the minority that still likes that movie.

-

Chad,

You spelled Tawni's name wrong. T-A-W-N-I. If you were a utensil, you'd be a spork, because you confuse the hell out of people.

From,

Sonny

-

Sonny,

I don't care about Tawni. If you were a board game, you'd be Scategories, because you make people think so much, only to have their answer stolen but some guy in a cheap leather jacket.

Sincerely,

Chad

-

Chad,

Oh yeah? Well if you were a famous character, you'd be Romeo, because you always jump to conclusions and think that the guy in the leather jacket is after your answer, when really he could just be a friend.

From,

Sonny

-

Sonny,

Really, Sonny? Because if you were a food, you'd be a cake. And you know for a fact that everyone wants a slice, especially the guy in the cheap leather jacket.

Sincerely,

Chad

-

Chad,

What if the guy in the leather jacket is diabetic, huh? Plus, it's not like this is your cake. If you were something, you'd be the government, because you're always trying to control things that aren't yours.

From,

Sonny

-

Sonny,

That glare you gave me in the lunch line was not necessary. And just because the cheap leather jacket guy is diabetic, it doesn't mean that he doesn't want some cake. If you were a candy, you'd be chocolate, because people want you way too badly.

Sincerely,

Chad

-

Chad,

The glare was necessary. And you know what? The cheap leather jacket guy hates cake. Of all flavors! He likes pie. If you were a music genre, you'd be rap, because you scream a lot and piss people off.

From,

Sonny

-

Dear Sonny,

If you were a season, you'd be summer, because it bugs me how hot you are, yet I love you anyway.

Love,

Chad

P.S. It's also really sunny in the summer, and you're Sonny.

-

Dear Chad,

If you were a food, you'd be grilled cheese, because you're really cheesy, but still my favorite.

Love,

Sonny

-

Dear Chad and Sonny,

I told you so. If you two were condiments, you'd be peanut butter and jelly. You were made for each other.

Yours truly,

Tawni Hart :)

* * *

Blech, I know right? I really don't like it. I mean, I like it. I just don't think it's any good. At all. Change my mind? ;)

P.S. Sorry guys, for the note that was originally here. It was late at night, I had been procrastincating, and my mother was screaming at me. I wasn't very happy when I wrote it. Not that it excuses it, but please forgive. It was a low point as a writer. :( If you just favorite my story, I will take it as a compliment. Special thanks to Admiral Lily for showing me my jerkiness. :) I have most respect for my readers, guys. :)


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